Conscience

Why does this continue to weigh heavy on my soul? It was a burden in itself, but now the burden is the guilt I carry along with me each day.
I could not let the flower bloom. It would have become a weed, sucking the life from her, from myself. A constant reminder of the empty garden.

One day I hope she will see the truth and know it was for the best. But not right now. There are still some secrets that must remain just that.

My Moon

She is everything to me. Words cannot express my feelings for her. I will be the father of her child. I will raise him with her, as my own son. I will nurture them, and we will be a family... I have not felt joy like this since Zephanaye was first born. And I have not felt love like this since I first began to fall for Kaledrei.

I did not think I would ever move on, not from what she had shown me. But...By the Gods, my moon is so perfect for me. She is everything I could want, everything I could need. My love for her runs deeper than I can begin to describe.

My everlasting love, my moon. I wish to bask in your glow, always.

Discussion

Tonight, I interrupted her in the midst of cheating. She sounded so sorrowful, regretful. My heart was ready to break, but somehow I still listened to her words. I listened and heard her regret dripping from each syllable.
I could not help myself. What would I have done? I need her more than anything, and I could not let one mistake ruin what we have made. This is my home, my castle. I have placed all of my bets, my reputation, and everything I have, on the moon. She will not disappoint me.
She has told me the reason she stopped before going to far, was because of the feelings she harbours for me. While this makes my heart sing, it was the idea that she, in fact, had considered doing such things with him. I do trust my love, but with that trust comes the need for complete honesty about such matters.

I could never cheat on this one. No, she is too important. She revives the love I once felt with Kaledrei...

All Sorts of Awkward

That date last night did not go as simply as I had expected. What I wanted was a simple dinner and a chat, but I let my guard down and indulged Westly in information she should not have been entitled to. What is worse, I was considering taking my frustrations out on her. Her body was so warm, so close. Mine for the taking.

I spoke of my ex girlfriend, Darrina. Of course, I left her name out. 'Respect for the dead', I told her. Something she does not even deserve in death. She was nothing more than a vicious snake; living in the darkest, dampest pits and coming out to hunt for her unsuspecting prey.

I still remember how she would follow me, always watching. Anticipating my movements, and waiting for me to be alone. She would slither her way up and wrap her tail around me, digging those fangs in until the pain felt good. The sickness she bestowed upon me ran deep in my veins. Pleasure from enjoying her tortures, and satisfaction from returning the pain.

I pulled myself away from her. I could not do such a thing, not with her. Westly was undeserving of the anger I would surely pour over her. My passion must go from hatred to love. For my moon, and for my daughter. I cannot commit more heinous acts if I am to be a loving father.

I love those two too much...
No, those three.

Responsibility

She is incredible with Zephanaye. It is like she is a natural, as Lina is. Her way of handling her was quite impressive, and I am sure that she will be great with her own when he is born.

That child, of course, I will treat as if he were my own. Though I do wonder how she was able to figure out the gender. Womens' intuition, perhaps? Either way, I will treat him as my own son, despite being fathered by that greedy man. I am still appalled by what he did to her, for the sake of property, for the sake of greed. I could never.

Thoughts

I have little in the way of thoughts that do not relate to what will become of this. Lina and I are no longer together, the growing child inside of her is no more. There is nothing that we truly share any longer except the love of my daughter. I only wish it had been easier, that she had felt the same. Instead, this guilt gnaws away at my insides. What a heavy conscience I bear. At least the moon has been shining for me.

Overcast

It has been overcast for quite some time. I am waiting for the moon to come out once again.

Last night was quite interesting, with Lina's masquerade she hosted. I was not expecting the auction, and was reluctant to head on up to be bought, at first. I almost wish I had enough to spend on bidding for Lina, but I was quite broke. I am sure she will have a good time on her date, with that man who bought her. I am unsure who he is, but I trust her to contact me if something goes wrong.
I am unsure if it is such a good thing, that fleeting feeling of jealousy. Two months ago, I would have threatened that man if he would not back down on his bids. I would have denied Lina the opportunity to go on a date with another man. Perhaps it is a good thing we are letting the flame finally die down. I do not have the heart to continually lie. I do not love her any longer, and there is nothing I could possibly do to bring the feeling back.

I only hope the hatred she will surely have for me will eventually die down. I know she will always be there for Zephanaye, which makes things alright for the time being. I will need sitters if I am still ill while she is dating. I wonder if Nakawe and Palek would be willing...